In the beginning

october 2007
It's like a jump. i think i'm unused to moving the blocks of my life around. free fall, stomach drops out, wind beats and tears at the details, rearranges the silhouette. i await his hurt in the morning. how many times have you saved me O? from my crippling alcoholism, from my miserable heart, from my craving body, from my volatile mind? how many times have you steadied the keel, only to send it spinning? how many sunsets have we watched, sunrises slept through like two contented mice in a burrow? why the fuck am i doing this, am i that fickle and selfish? when frustration gnaws at my belly when we're together like a rat, is the snakebite of loneliness any better?is the pathetic truth that i am still angry at you, after all this time, i can't forgive? have i ever even faced my fear of you, of the you that you fear and dislike as well? and how am i supposed to separate the two when they live in the same body? your strange memory.. don't know september from november, a shove from an explanation. how many dreams am i crashing like ninepins right now? why is life so unreal, i feel like i'm not even here, like i lost my I. there is nothing but a floating shadow. but i'm trying to find me again, i swear.

beware the imprints made in youth
the sweat that slid from pore to pore
the finger grips
an open door

Once upon a time, two people met.
they neither panicked,
nor withdrew.
they fucked on legions
of dreams, they made themselves
out of shredded skins she tore off his
back in a fury of shaking love.
they fucked in every corner, back alley,
treetop, and sidewalk that NYC could
afford, and still they taxed them in the
length and breadth of their love.
Bored with unhappiness, they eclipsed.


this is not a sequential history, a day to day confessional, or a mission statement. it's simply a bunch of stuff i've written over the last few years that i figure i can back up on this seeing that so many filled books of writing i've done have been destroyed in various ways. i'll explain it better another time, i'm sure it's written down somewhere.