10.13.09

Had to kill a creature today. duke purring like a revved motor toying with a ground squirrel in the living room, casually swatting at it but mostly just watching. I picked him up to giv eit a chance of escape ( to go to their garden, who's side am I on?) but all it did was slowly try to drag itself by it's front paws, back legs dangling uselessly behind it as if he's snapped it's lower spine. I dropped duke again, hoping the threat of me being there would make him kill it faster, but he just batted it lightly and continued his mad rumble. The squirrel was making little gasping hissing noises, I went to the kitchen and got their biggest knife and squatted beside it, I wanted it to calm before i killed it and I waited above it and begged it to quiet as it rolled and brandished it's paws and looked at me wildeyed and continued it's panicked anguished breath.I waited until it was slightly more still and whispered apology and hope fro release as the knife slid fast and easy through teh fur and i felt the tiny ligament crunch of it severing the neck spine. Red blood welled up around the blade and i rushed to the kitchen to clean it as duke proceeded to fast begin cracking and popping the little bones with his teeth. I felt horrible and guilty even thoufgh it seemed like it was in so much pain. It si the strangest thing to feel life and seconds later nothing but the physicality of blood and fur and bone. We are so incredibly fucking ephemeral, just as much a piece of meat as the butcher shop, It was the starngest sensation. I just wanted it to die without fear and beyond pain but there was no hope for it. Who knows if it was less frightening to have a strange object coming at you than teeth. Or if it would rather have had those extra seconds of life regardless of the pain. Or minutes. Or hour. I just don't know but made the decision for it anyway. The veins are beginning to pop and show on the back of my hand. Who knows. It was just the certainty that a) it would die and b) Duke would torture it for as long as he could. Cats are such deceptive demons, humans are such pathetic gods.